Divorce Lawyers Take Aim. Cupid Faces Class Action Lawsuit.

In what legal experts are calling the most ambitious litigation since attorney Jackie Chiles sued the weather for getting people wet, Right Lawyers has filed a class action lawsuit against Cupid, the pint-sized Roman deity of romance. The firm announced today that the cherub’s reign of negligent matchmaking must stop.

The centerpiece of the lawsuit focuses on Cupid’s failure to utilize accumulated knowledge of relationship outcomes. “Cupid has personally witnessed billions of relationships,” the complaint states. “He knows which matches succeed and which will fail. Yet he refuses to apply this knowledge to improve future pairings.”

The filing alleges that any competent matchmaker with Cupid’s experience would have developed:

• Predictive compatibility models based on historical success rates
• Personality-based pairing algorithms
• Risk assessment protocols to identify high-probability failure matches

“Modern dating apps with five years of data outperform Cupid’s success rate,” the divorce attorneys argued. “He’s had five thousand years. There’s no excuse”, declared Rock Rocheleau, the firm’s managing partner at a press conference.  “Our clients have suffered enough. It’s time someone held Cupid accountable for his reckless archery.”

While the firm acknowledged that Cupid’s chaotic coupling spree does provide a steady stream of future divorce cases, they maintain that his methods are legally indefensible and emotionally catastrophic.

Other charges and claims against love’s little troublemaker include;

Assault: When Romance Becomes a Felony  

The lawsuit alleges that every arrow Cupid fires constitutes assault, regardless of the romantic outcome. “Just because you eventually enjoyed brunch with your arrow-induced partner doesn’t negate the original crime,” the filing states. “Fear of being struck by a flying projectile shot by a supernatural infant is objectively reasonable.”

Battery: Love Hurts, Literally

Beyond the threat, there’s the actual impact. Each arrow strike, the lawyers argue, represents an act of battery, unwanted physical contact resulting in harm. Cupid’s defense team has yet to produce evidence of prior consent, and the firm strongly doubts the god maintains adequate documentation of “wishing upon a star” permissions.  “Show us the consent forms,” the Right Lawyers challenged. “Show us one single waiver signed before he shot that arrow into someone’s unsuspecting back.”

The lawsuit seeks monetary damages for all affected parties, dating back to Cupid’s earliest known incidents,  approximately 800 BCE.  The firm didn’t explain how to avoid the statute of limitations in some of these cases. The firm is also requesting that Cupid be required to complete a comprehensive safety training course and obtain proper licensing before resuming any matchmaking activities.

Cupid could not be reached for comment, as he was last seen flying rapidly toward international waters. Legal observers remain skeptical about the case’s chances, noting the inherent difficulties in serving court documents to a mythological being.  However, Right Lawyers remains optimistic. “If he can shoot arrows at us,” they stated, “we can shoot subpoenas at him.”